Enigma

Introduction

thoughts on reality
messianic saviour,
martyr king before the evil that waketh
‘neath the ungodly garden
in carnality

creature man,
creature woman. imagine that they are not
brain and spine, organism.
reality: a movie-reel
that greets us as we decide
we are
interacting with its device.

as i lay in disappearing bliss,
the slow crawl of worms
eating their fill
pupae, in ritual feast
churning through the meat walls.

“Enigma”

all the actors are crying
there they are now
in the mud
weeping
heroes falling to their treachery

an evil mirror
that looks
an equal to our human self
as form
as antagonism, so too
a form of empathy

we love you, though
we can not allow you
what you wish
an entry ticket
to polish the gates
of this
divinity

so, god too walked
the earth as a man
as all now decide, that they
are godly, thus

evil is its own reward

what to do, then
with what we have?

of the flesh:

supple and sinew
vascular, fueled
idea of protection
we built it up
and pushed the devil out
our cities become
or traitorous tombs

deny that he exists
shadow councillors
hooded in secrecy
whispering lies to keep
the angel
working away with his tools

deciding intellect
itself a gift
to any and all
as can be imagined
so too,
can be created

we will mine the ore
to find in there
our shame
a riddle in the enigma
ego defends

as we cried then
and learned to love our evil, too

all becomes equal

are we not microscopic
on the cosmic scale, of
what we have come to regard
as the
decided truth?

there is more
out there
as we yet scavenge, gorging
in our hunger
amongst demons that feast
on us
in wars, in sickness
we are
our own terrible
death
comedy, and muse.

1
Why?

not this again..

What?

you’re going to start in on how it all came down to this. you’re going to sympathize with each debate until you reach the inevitable conclusion that it’s as it should be or some such thing that won’t make you happy or satisfied, but peaceful in some equal term or another.

And what if I want to be angry, what then?

i know you won’t be really.
you have a knack for finding that silver lining. for digging through the filth and removing any emotional attachment to it, you will take the personal and make it impersonal… you always do.

But in my strive and struggle with accuracy, shouldn’t I allow for imperfection?

to treat others as you would like to be treated you mean?

Sure.

but if you’re an honest person as you say, shouldn’t you be angry? that would be honest.

But that accomplishes nothing.

and what about this?
what do you earn or gain from the stillness, the nothing. we’re going back there you know. you feel it creeping up on you… don’t you?

It’s what I know.

and what do you do with it?

I’d like to think that I preserve it, it keeps me edgy, jaded.

you should have stood your ground.

I did.

you can tell yourself that, but you know inside that you held out for a reason to make some grand romantic gesture.

Maybe I wasn’t ready to admit that it was over.

so you deluded yourself into another year or two, doing something that made you unhappy.. simply for accuracy?

I had to be sure.

maybe.

Maybe?

yeah, maybe… or maybe it was love.

I don’t believe in that, you know that.

no, you don’t believe that people possess a pure honest interpretation of love. but i know that you feel it, you write it and dream it, there’s no denying that. besides, what are you ever without a muse?

She and I were never meant to be.

‘meant to be’? (laughs) you know.. you say that so convincingly.. i almost believe you. c’mon, we both know that destiny and fate are cheap excuses for self-pity. we hate that, so don’t give me that. where’s your fire, your angst?

I’ve lost the energy to fight..

bullshit. i know you. i know you better than you know yourself. you’re teeming with the urge to rifle off a list of unpaid grievances. so i say fuck you, be angry. show me what you got.

Alright..
I hated it. Biting my tongue. Feeling like a lost puppy, chained to the leash of her approval. It sickened me to step inside her home, to breathe her air. I felt dirty, and yet I did it just to satisfy some depraved urge to fuck her like the whore I felt she was, and when she liked it; I wanted it even more. When deep inside I hated everything she said, everything she was angry at pissed me off and to hell with the semantics I was in love with the hate fucking.

there you go. so now what?

Never again.

you say that, but you’re a slave to your vices. you’ll find another one just like her, hate her the same way, and for what? to prove that you’re right?

It has to be more than that.

has to? i don’t know if it has to.. it is, or it isn’t.

So.. what am I just damned to repeat my mistakes over and over until I’ve pushed everything away?

you always have me.

I do.

and when we’re good, we’re fucking amazing.

Everything has an end, you know.

keep thinking like that and you may find yourself without a confidant.

You don’t mean that. You like me when I lose, I know you too. You may not admit it, but you admire my weakness. You like to feel it burn inside of me every time I fuck it up, you’re there to make sense of it all. You like the banter too much.

i do, yes. i admitted it.

Look, I’m just saying I have doubts.

doubts? as in where you are or what you’re supposed to be doing? that sort of thing?

Yeah, but even wider… like, where are we going, or what should my purpose be?

this. this is what you are supposed to be doing, just more of it. hell, do it everyday if you want my opinion, and never stop. you know, you give up too easily, you know that.

I do and I hate myself for that. You think I don’t know that?

then you should do something about it.

I know…

so then, reaffirm your faith, if not for me, for yourself. and dammit get as angry as you can if it helps pull something out of you that you can use. i don’t care if it’s gold or not, i want to hear it. we’ll make it right.. and for fuck’s sake quit smoking, you know you hate that shit, so stop it. i know you have willpower for christ’s sake you just walked over there in the middle of the night and handed her your cell phone, and now that’s it, right there, convictions. you stand for them and you live by them, to hell with the consequences am i right? your life has been about sacrifice, this is nothing. you did what you set out to do, a weaker man would have held out longer, but you didn’t. and man, when you were marching up her street, i felt it, you were furious.. it made me happy to feel that again.

The fight?

shit yeah, you could have said it all and never looked back. but you did it right, quick and painless.

She wasn’t expecting that.

no she wasn’t, and that made it sweeter.

A little sadistic maybe.

fuck sadism. you owned that moment, i felt that twinge of a smile as you turned on your heel and walked away. i was proud of you for not giving a reason.

Well fuck that bitch, she never gave me hers.

fuck reason. do, and act, and be done. it was time anyway. we would have died if we had to do another year there.

I felt that too.

what? that we were withering away into some despotic sack of bones, ranting flimsy contradictions?

(laughs) Yeah, when you put it like that, I’m amazed we didn’t do this sooner.

you had it right the first time you wanted out.

But this was more poetic.

bah! the destination’s the same, to hell with spite, that’s all that is.

But it feels good.

no, that’s the revenge talking.

Well, at any rate.. we’re here.

and where are we?

Wherever we want to be.

2
so that’s your last pack of smokes right?

Right.

say it.

That’s my last pack of smokes.

you know, i was watching you. you spilled some ash on your carpet and you just rubbed at it with your fingers. you should be mad about that. if it was anyone else you would have torn a strip off of them for shit like that. it’s disrespectful. where’s your sanctuary?

Here.

well mean it, fuck. you were in the shower coughing like an old man.

I know, it makes me sick.

so cut it the fuck out. you know you’re better than that. we had this talk a few times.

You don’t need to remind me, I know. I feel like a failure so I give in. I’m like to hell with this I don’t care

fuck willpower right?

Sometimes, when I’m too weak to make a stand, yeah.

well i don’t like it. i don’t want to do that again, you hear me? i mean it.

I’m sorry. I forget to rely on your strength.

well that’s human, but honestly… we have a deal, and that means stop it… immediately. do whatever you gotta do and be done. no more excuses, and those butts you got in your ashtray, the ones you put out long enough to consider cheap seconds…

Yeah?

well get that out of your system and do what you know you have to. cold turkey that shit, no whining. i told you, if you have to, have a cold shower, sit there and meditate that need away. i’m right there when you need me.

You know I know that. I do need reminding sometimes, and I thank you for that.

then do something about it, because i’m getting fed up with all this pussy hand-holding, we’re supposed to be doing better than this. i’ll never stop giving you a hard time, i just don’t want to do this song and dance forever, you get me?

Yeah, I got it.

so this is the last time, right?

Last time.

well fuck it, vent right here if you have to but don’t suck that paper cock anymore. i fucking hate it, and YOU when you do it, and that’s the worst part. we’re supposed to be a team here.

We are.

when you’re ready for it, yeah. but that shouldn’t be fucking conditional, not anymore.

Got it.

besides i know you hate the taste, you lie and say you like it but that’s just addiction talking. so cut the self delusion act and show some balls, okay?

It’s hard.

yeah? well no one said it was easy, besides you know all too well that anything that’s too easy isn’t something you earned. if you didn’t work for it, it has no value, so earn that freedom.

I can fight the weakness, one day at a time.

well that’s the spirit at least.

You don’t believe me?

i never do until you prove that shit. you know that’s what it takes. i have faith in you, but i know your habits. you hate criers, yet you fall victim to yourself time and time again. it’s weak and i don’t want that for us, not anymore.

3
what is this, you’re smoking again today? what the fuck man, we just went through this shit. i’m not doing it again. and don’t tell me to relax the kafka-esque attitude adjustment off your fuckin’ ass, ’cause i won’t, i told you.

Look, I had spare coin, I wanted to unload a little shit today. Besides without that niggling temptation I can relax for a day. Fuck’s sake, I’m still decomposing. There I said it, she got to me and I’m hurting, whatever. Give me a hard time okay, and don’t cut me any slack, fuck it I need you to fuck with my head.

no, you know what, you need to get laid. fuck that bitch out of your system.

Well the odds on that are…

fuck that, i see you looking. everyday, you got it in you.

Yeah, well the bar scene isn’t my thing.

so what, you’re gonna’ hold out for some whorey eyed blondie tramp in the produce section? that’s your fantasy? if you want a sexually frustrated book worm, then join a book club, or at least mix up your habits a little bit. this staying at home, pre-meditated, self-intellectual face book crap isn’t gonna get you pussy and you know it.

I am what I am.

well then wallow in it motherfucker.

4
what do you got?

No, I thought I had something, it was there. Something definately floated to the surface.

well spit ball that shit for me.

Playing dead only keeps me wading streams in my head,
the flow of it all traces back where I’ve been,
as I look down the line of the choices I made,
I’m pulling knots, feeling lost,
the deeper I fade.

that’s not bad. it’s not an original idea for you though… i mean. you’ve basically done that piece in different ways before.

True, but It’s what’s in there right now, and I want it out.

so you can play softy again.

Yeah, well… if I don’t get rid of this crap soon I might still be grinding this ax when I should be focused on better things.

like a new interest?

Yes.

she got a name?

Never this early, you know that I won’t tell. It breaks the spell, you taught me that.

when did i ever tell you to keep things from me?

You didn’t, not in those words exactly, but I know that if I obsess over an idea while it’s still fresh, I will spoil it somehow. I need to let it grow, lest I harvest before it’s time.

that’s fair. and i love that you can be devoted to the work man. i mean, you got this process, and it works, seriously. i have seen you pull some interesting concepts to the fore, seemingly from thin air, but i know that’s all in how you meticulously work the plan.

It feels like over analytical paranoid superstition sometimes.

oh yeah? is that how it happened… really? you know that’s not what you believe. it almost hurts me to hear you say that like that.

No, you’re right. I don’t really believe that, that’s just my censorship line for what I know to be true. It’s just that what I believe sounds far-fetched, but I know better than that. It’s what I believe that’s important. Not what they want to hear.

there you go, that’s an apology, in a way.

I have begged for forgiveness for a lot of things I have done, but there are some things that I need to be about me. You’re there always, but there are some things that are mine.

well i have that too. but, let’s keep our shit on the same page alright?

5
how are you feeling?

Better.

you were sick last night, what was that about?

Food, maybe… I’m not really sure. I eat basically the same thing each month, but I know I puked that up before.
I thought maybe it was the Campbells canned chunky, but now I’m not so sure.

you had a good sweat though, right?

Yeah. Maxed the thermostat, and added an extra blanket. It felt nice and warm.

and how’s the no smoking.

Sucks, but I can do this.

6
I’m going to dark places again.

why? do you really value their opinions that badly?

that’s on you then. maybe you’ve been here too long… think about it…

I know what you are going to say. I’ve said it before.

well then let me say it again. this place, these people, are nothing. do you really believe that you’re less than the selfish nobodies here? i mean, go wider… geographically, you’re sat in the middle of nowhere, and you allow these worms to grade you? oh wait, i get it.. you’re doing what they want you to, right? you know how this works… identify weakness, target difference. if you don’t fit in they cut you out. boo-fucking-hoo, that’s how ignorance fights itself. you know the funny thing, this is laughable really, you’re outcast, clearly, but whatever… they can’t bring themselves to stand for what they believe in. you’re still on their friends list… that’s hypocrisy right there. call it whatever you want to, but these poor people just want to fuck and suck the lie, escape for a while, it’s alright (laughs)

You know, she never liked the way it sounded either.

that’s because the true and honest thing sounds like shit. if it hurts… well then maybe it’s what you’re supposed to hear. or you can cry into your sex, cry into your drugs, cry about your life… hate yourself, blame me… or live.

they don’t like you because you remind them of the truth. they don’t want to know anything but what they think they want to know.. if you cut through that, and shake them up, they hate you.

don’t disturb their transparent dreams
don’t stand out

don’t be better at
anything

don’t be a brain
don’t have a mind of your own
don’t ask them questions
don’t expect more from them
more to hate

don’t give them tears
don’t look down at their lives
don’t laugh at pain
just compromise,
compromise

don’t stick your neck out
don’t go out on a limb
don’t ask for fair
you only get
suffering

don’t waste your time
don’t waste your life for their love
you’ll only find
they’ll use it to
lift them up

look, basically you’ve got two choices really. you can be a person that makes you happy, or you can imitate what you think they want you to be. i mean, the choice is pretty obvious.

So…
they’re the rejects?

7
It has been a long time.

fuck you man, i don’t want to hear it.

I’ve been weak. I know that I have been making bad decisions for my self. I need help.

i gave you help. i gave you everything you could have possibly needed, and what did you do with it?

I let it get to my head.

no.

I did. I felt power, in control, and I let it confuse me. I lost sight of my goal and I need a massive reset button, man.

what will that ever do? huh? help you feel whole all over again so you can just forget where you come from?

I am only flesh and blood.

that’s no fucking excuse.

I’m admitting my imperfections. I know how easily I can stumble, but you and me;  we said we would always have each other. I am willing to put work in.

i’m not sure i’m convinced.

I will find the love again, I’ll prove it to you.

8
how  are you feeling?

Good. Really good, actually. The apartment’s clean.

i see that.

The positivity is back. I mean, I really feel like good things can happen.

and her?

Well, that is gong to take some time, but I think I need to be clear of her. Quite possibly from now on, I’m not sure.

that’s honest.

Yeah well, I’m all over the place right now and I just don’t want to believe that I’m right back at square one all over again.

why? because it’ll feel like you haven’t learned anything?

That, and it’ll feel like I haven’t gone anywhere with the things I do believe.

so what are you going to do then?

I don’t know for sure. Right now I feel content and I want to cultivate that.

content is not enough, you know. you’re going to need far more than just content if you want to really start digging back into this shit.

Well, anger’s not going to do it for me anymore.

love?

Love, yeah, but that’s different. I think I need my curiosity back.

you’re still looking for it aren’t you?

I don’t ever want to stop looking.

© Emerys Watchel, 2016 All rights reserved.